Have you ever fallen in love with an idea of somebody, a projection of how you would like others to be rather than how they actually are? Have you ever experienced the feeling of being under a spell, almost blinded, experiencing a dreamy state, and when the enchantment is over, reality kicks brutally in, leaving you confused, hurt and in a state of shock? Perhaps you think about how you let this happen to you, how you managed not to see the signs or listen to what others were saying all along? Who's fault, and who’s to blame?

How often do you avoid seeing or facing conflicting behaviour in the other? Justifying or denying them? How often did you live in the illusion that things will change but worsen?

I often hear: He was tired, She would not do it again; it was unintentional; I know he/she cares for me; he/she is a good man/woman; he/she will never hurt me on purpose, I have no choice...

When an experience or multiple experiences like this happen in life without appropriate understanding or processing, there is a chance to remain trapped in a vicious cycle that consistently interferes with reality blinding you from seeing objectively, like looking through a distorted lens; and if the unconscious pattern is not uncovered; you may fall repetitively into it until you see it.

Interestingly, this could also happen within the relationship with yourself, thinking and believing that you are somebody you are not, but you can’t see it when you are caught up in it. Why does this happen, and why is it so hard to see it and fully understand it?

Why do we tend to create attachment and co-dependency to specific fantasies?

It may happen, especially if you have been through abuse, dysfunctional family dynamics or parents’ separation as children, that you start fantasising about how things should be within relationships and what should be avoided because of hurt. What a child observes, learn, and experience remains an integral part of who they are, embodied and ingrained in themselves.

Many learned dynamics and behaviours, even if stored subconsciously, actively interfere with life until uncovered and unmasked; it’s your job to figure that out and understand the reason, patterns and purpose of these experiences.

The parental figures are seen as “Gods” in a child’s world. We know that Gods are not always good or merciful but are indeed powerful authority figures that we may fear, depend on or rely on, either we accept them, rebel or submit to them; as children, we don’t have other choices than to find creative ways to survive desperately trying to be heard, loved and seen.

So when I reach adulthood, even though I may try to avoid dysfunctional or unhealthy dynamics or situations, I may find myself often involved in repetitive scenarios that I cannot always understand or see. How fun is this?

This may split the self unconsciously into two or multiple parts, the one that wants to experience something different and more positive in life and the part that needs to overcome the trauma or issue.

As children it may also happen that I will invest a lot of energy and resources in fantasising and creating in my mind my ideal world or relationship, no matter the nature, and as an adult, I will unconsciously start projecting and applying this “idea” to people I may be attracted to, leading to miss reading and avoiding noticing certain traits that are not “compatible” with what I am looking for.

I often wonder if these matches are led by the trauma itself, trying to complete or close an emotional cycle.

How do I become aware of this mechanism?

I would like to normalise the fact that it is ok to repeat certain patterns in life until we understand that we are separate individuals from our ancestors but still carry specific genetic and psychological traits. When we recognise this, we can finally align with who we are to heal the trauma that has created specific fantasies through forms and limiting beliefs. Children are the most creative creatures on earth, and their minds create whatever they can to survive and make it into adulthood; it is a common and necessary strategy during traumatic and overwhelming circumstances.

As you grow, you may realise that surviving is not enough; you want to have a better experience of life; you had enough of drama and want to have a better quality of life and relationship; you want to break free of these patterns and vicious circles and to do this, the first step is to develop self-awareness.

How do I develop self-awareness?

Self-awareness means learning about and understanding who you are beyond behaviours, beliefs and emotional states, observing your behaviours and life’s patterns, addressing your needs and desires and being honest about your unbalances, emotions, feelings, actions and reactions. it means taking responsibility for what is happening in your life and understanding that you are not passively experiencing life but actively choosing or attracting these experiences. This may feel overwhelming and hard, and seeking adequate help can be crucial to help you navigate through this stage.

This does not justify people's disrespectful and inadequate behaviour but empowers you to change some unhealthy habits, learn how to express yourself more effectively, regain control of your emotions and feel what is good and not good for you and make the conscious choice to walk away from unhealthy circumstances and relationship when there is nothing there to benefit you or learn from.

You can’t control people around you, but you can control your perceptions, reactions and actions, and most of all, you can stop unhealthy patterns from repeating right now.