Kids take it personally.
A few months ago, while I was taking a shower, my son started calling me crying; I had soap on my head and could not promptly respond to his needs; I immediately thought: kids take it personally! Understanding that a four-year-old does not know that there is an impossibility on my part to intervene, which has nothing to do with him, all he must feel is that I didn't help him when he needed me. This led me to reflect on when I have not been well due to physical problems after birth, extreme tiredness when I couldn't support him as I wanted, and the possible emotional impact this had on him.
My thinking led me to reflect on the fact that it is normal for a child not to understand that his needs are not met because of external or other circumstances that he cannot consider; he has yet to develop the emotional maturity to regulate himself and understand the reasoning, but I found fascinating that has adults we keep on taking things personally without considering that sometimes people behave in certain ways due to personal circumstances that have nothing to do with us. And this feeds into great drama and misunderstanding within relationships.
I often wonder who is acting/reacting at these moments and how many of us are aware of it.
I had a friend once that came to my place crying one day. She was dating a person that she loved very much. At the same time, she was overwhelmed due to starting a new job and working 10 hours a day. Her body needed time to adjust and needed to rest enough to cope with the day. She explained this to her partner, that took it very badly and made it all about him. He said to her, “You obviously don’t wanna be with me as you never want to go out or do the things I want to do in the evening, you just want to sleep” and he left and broke up with her. He was so angry, and she was so tired and fatigued that she could barely replay as she was shocked and confused to see that reaction.
I thought was a good thing that he left, but that event stayed with my friend for a long time; She felt guilty and miserable and took a few months to recover.
Why do adults keep taking things personally?
It’s human; we all do, and I believe is because we often look at events through the narrow (ego) personal wounds (trauma) perspective. When we are caught up in these narrow narratives, all we can see or feel is that we are not doing well enough or good enough, and people walk away or don’t treat us as we would like. Sometimes the wound trap doesn’t allow us to listen to what the other is saying, and instead of being available and trying to hold the space, we start unconsciously projecting our insecurities around. it’s madness :)
It may happen that through emotional or overwhelming phases, we seek understanding from relatives, partners or friends. We want to be heard; perhaps all we need is a hug. Instead, if the other person doesn’t know how to manage emotions, feels uncomfortable and does not know how to listen will try to quit the conversation or say, you should not feel this way! Feel this instead.. which is wrong! Give unwanted advice or even make the conversation about them… I felt much worst than you, or it’s all my fault!
I believe that becoming aware of our immature or less-developed traits improves the way we communicate and behave in relationships, It takes courage and honesty to see and admit that certain reactions or actions hurt, even if not intentionally directed at us. Becoming adults means taking responsibility for who we are and instead of perpetuating the emotional ping pong or the blaming game we make the effort to take one step back and sit with what we feel, reflect on why we feel that way and where that emotion truly comes from.
How do we get out of the drama and heal our inner wounds?
My experience taught me the importance of emotional healing and Inner child work to allow authentic and unconditional expression of all the rainbow of emotions and feelings stored inside. It’s empowering when we get to unravel and release the emotional charge, the unspoken words and repetitive thoughts; when we finally get to make space for the little us within that is trying to get our attention in so many ways. Perhaps as children, we didn’t feel loved, acknowledge, understood or supported as we were hoping for, but I can guarantee that as adults we have all we need to heal what was missing and make peace. We don’t get to change the past but we get to change our perception and develop a wider perspective of life’s events. This means expanding our capacity for more conscious and equal relationships, especially the one with yourself.
