Stuck in the Same Dating Pattern Exploring contrast within relationships
Relationships can be a real testing ground for some of us and, for others, a safe or passionate space to be and grow, a field of possibilities or a lonely cage that keeps us prisoners.
I don't like to generalise, but we can all agree that (some) relationships can take a look at resources and energy, and, at times, finding and maintaining a healthy balance within them can be challenging.
Contrast is an inevitable element within all relationships and experiences; think about how many times you felt opposite feelings within yourself, a part of you that wanted to break free and let go and a part of you holding you back and shutting you down.
Finding the right soul to be with is not always a straightforward road, as it requires trust and the ability to remain yourself while adding the "we" element to the equation.
Sometimes, you may feel stuck in the Same Dating Pattern, struggle to recognise the signs, be unable to listen to your gut and repeatedly date the same type of person, falling into the same dynamic each time.
When it is finally over, you realise what happened, almost waking up from a dream, wondering how that happened again, feeling so disappointed, blaming yourself for not recognising the disguised familiar pattern.
Let me tell you this: there is nothing wrong with you! And it didn't start with you either, but you can change this right now.
The first thing I usually ask is: Have you spent time reflecting on the essential elements you need within a relationship and why these elements are so vital for you? Do you know your non-negotiable and personal needs that you are not willing to compromise for the other? You will be surprised, but most people never thought about it or felt they had the right to express such needs to others.
Feeling free to communicate essential needs to our partners is important! It helps define personal space and boundaries, maintains self-identity, avoids co-dependency mechanisms, and clarifies what we seek in a partner. A healthy relationship has healthy spaces for honest communication, conflict resolution and respect for personal needs as much as relational needs.
I often say the most important element for a successful relationship is the willingness to work as a team, stop the ping-pong blaming game, and use a compassionate approach towards the other, not to justify their hurtful behaviours but to support them in recognising such defensive and toxic responses.
They were who they were long before the relationship started, and so were you. Our life baggage is carried from one place to another if we never dispose of the clutter, and that's why it is not healthy to take everything personally.
What we are is a compound of numerous experiences, and it is normal if, at times, it is hard to make sense of this entanglement and how we ended up in such confusing bundles. That's why external and objective perspectives are critical when we find ourselves stuck in dysfunctional phases. We must be curious enough to explore ourselves and understand each other.
Couples working together to empower themselves as individuals and within the relationship have an opportunity for immense growth and expansion. So, I suggest taking the pressure off and stopping looking for the perfect partner; it does not exist, and we are not perfect either.
But make sure there is a genuine intention to work with you when times are challenging, someone who will share the uncomfortable space with you without running away or blaming you. Somebody who is willing to renegotiate and find ways to overcome obstacles together.
And if you need help, don't hold back; if what you have is worth it, invest in it! And if you are single and want to start a new chapter of your life, now is the time!
With Love, Maria.
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