Values that empower you versus those that keep you stuck in old narratives.

Values are the principles, standards, or qualities that guide our thoughts, actions, and decisions. They reflect what is most important to us in life and shape how we interact with the world and others. Values can be deeply personal, cultural, or societal, influencing our behaviours and relationships in both conscious and unconscious ways.

The word "value" comes from the Latin valere, meaning "to be strong" or "to be worth," suggesting that values hold weight in our lives—they are the things we consider worth pursuing, protecting, or cherishing. Over time, this concept has evolved to encompass not just tangible worth but also abstract qualities like honesty, integrity, kindness, and loyalty, which hold significant emotional or moral value.

Understanding our values is essential for living authentically and making decisions that align with who we truly are. But what if our values come from a reactive place—emerging as a response to past experiences rather than a genuine source of inspiration or belief?

Over the years, I’ve asked many people, “What are your values?” and then followed up with, “Where do they come from?” Surprisingly, many people have shared that their values stemmed from what was lacking in their childhood.

This raises an important question: are these values truly helping us become our best selves, or are they simply reactions to past wounds? Do they genuinely support our growth, or are we simply adhering to beliefs that were formed in response to unmet needs? Are we truly stand by what we think we believe?

To explore this further, I started differentiating between Reactive Values and Authentic values, and here’s what I’ve discovered.

Exploring Reactive Values

Reactive values often stem from past experiences, particularly those rooted in feelings of lack or pain.

For example, if someone experienced unkind treatment in childhood, they might develop a reactive value of always striving to treat others kindly. Someone who experienced unfairness due to their parents’ double standards might prioritise fairness in their own decisions. Someone who faced neglect may adopt the value of being constantly present for others.

While these values can guide us, they are often formed in response to past traumas or unmet needs and may lead us to act in ways that don’t align with our true selves.

Secondary Gains in Reactive Values

Reactive values can sometimes fulfil unconscious needs, offering a sense of control, safety, or approval. These secondary gains often perpetuate reactive patterns, making it difficult to break free.

Perfectionism: Someone who experienced harsh criticism in childhood might develop a reactive value of striving for perfection to avoid criticism.
Over-giving: A person who feels neglected might prioritise over-giving to others to feel valued and loved.
People-pleasing: Someone who felt rejected might adopt people-pleasing behaviours to ensure acceptance.

The challenge is that these secondary gains reinforce reactive values, making it harder to distinguish between what is genuinely meaningful and what is driven by past experiences.

Identifying Reactive Patterns

Recognising the secondary gains of reactive values is the first step toward identifying what truly matters to us. By acknowledging that these values may have once served a protective purpose—such as safeguarding us from emotional harm—we can begin to explore healthier ways to meet those needs.

This process often involves working through unresolved emotions that continue to drive reactive patterns. As we do this, we can start cultivating values that reflect who we are at our core. In this journey, we may discover that unwavering kindness, for example, isn’t one of our core values after all. Constantly being kind or overly accommodating—especially when a different response might be more appropriate—can be counterproductive to personal growth and misaligned with the situation at hand.

In letting go of reactive values and embracing genuine ones, we give ourselves permission to change, to be imperfect, and to live more authentically. Ultimately, embracing authentic values requires us to reflect on our past while discerning which beliefs truly align with our evolving sense of self. By doing so, we can lead more intentional lives, grounded in values that support our growth, authenticity, and well-being.

What are Authentic Values?

Genuine values are those that resonate deeply within us, independent of past experiences and reflect our true desires and aspirations, without any attachment to secondary gains and can help guide us in living fully.

I began reflecting more and more on what it means to hold authentic and genuine values. As I deepened my understanding, I realised how crucial it is to identify these values as the fundamental forces behind our actions, thoughts, and objectives.

One of my clients shared something incredibly insightful when I asked them, "What is an authentic value that you hold?" Their answer was research. They explained that research had been a constant, ongoing process in their life—one that allowed them to seek and find the answers they needed. Unlike reactive values that stem from past wounds or external expectations, research was something they pursued independently, driven and fueled by genuine curiosity.

They also shared how researching brought a sense of healing into their life, adding value to their days in a way that felt deeply enriching. The feeling they described was very different from the emotional charge that comes with reactive values—those shaped by fear, scarcity, or the need to prove something.

Stepping out from Societal Standards

Being genuine means acknowledging that our values do not always have to align with societal ideals or conventional notions of "good." Instead, they need to be useful and meaningful in our personal and unique healing journey, guiding us toward deeper self-connection, wisdom, integration and authenticity.

We often criticise or stigmatise certain things, yet find ourselves engaging in them. This happens because we are frequently unaware of the thoughts and patterns that play out in the background of our minds when we're not paying attention.

What if, instead of shaming ourselves, we allowed radical honesty? What if we accepted that sometimes, the values we claim to hold do not always reflect our thoughts, intentions and how we act in daily life? I see so many people struggling with this incongruence—feeling ashamed of certain traits while maintaining a positive facade for a world that, in reality, does not operate as ideally as it claims to.

Beliefs, beautiful words, and concepts can be ethereal—they can fill our minds and mouths with lofty ideas that may have little to do with the raw, lived experience of being human. So why are we so afraid to admit that sometimes we must go against our own “reactive” values to grow? Why do we resist integrating our shadows, letting them operate in the background instead of confronting them?

Freedom as a Reactive Value personal experience.

One of my strongest reactive values is freedom—the need for space.

For me, freedom manifests as a deep, unwavering need to have a space where no one can interfere, interrupt, or intrude. It is about expressing myself in whatever form feels right to me.

As a child, my emotions and needs—were severely dismissed. I was not entitled to have an opinion, and I was often confused and overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions I held inside. As a result, I believed that my thoughts and feelings were either unimportant or incomprehensible to others.

As a result, I started suppressing my emotions and withholding my trust from those around me. To cope with the demands of the adults in my life, I crafted a persona that was pleasing and accommodating.

This led to a profound sense of oppression and loneliness. My boundaries were regularly violated, and my personal space was not considered or respected. It felt as though people could step into my world whenever they pleased, saying whatever they wanted, while my feelings remained insignificant.

As I grew older, I began feeling suffocated in environments where people held different lifestyles that clashed with mine. The mere presence of intrusive or foreign energies triggered strong, even physical reactions in me. To counteract this, I developed a fiercely independent spirit—one that no one could control.

There are positives to this. I have learned to speak up for myself, to understand boundaries, and to cultivate self-worth and confidence. However, this reactive need for freedom became a lens that made it difficult for me to share space with others, particularly in intimate settings. It took me a very long time to regulate myself enough to not constantly perceive others' presence as a threat.

My struggle has impacted those around me, sometimes leading to criticism or misunderstanding. Some people have made an effort to grasp why I need so much solitude to return to myself, while others have made assumptions of all kinds.

Over time, I have come to recognise that freedom—has sometimes prevented me from developing the ability to sit with discomfort when in the presence of others, especially when no real threat exists and to enjoy sharing my presence with others.

The Value That Sustains Me

Through this journey, I have also discovered another fundamental and authentic value that has shaped my life—growth.

Growth has helped me move beyond a rigid, black-and-white perspective. I no longer separate everything into good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable. Instead, I understand that the true value of an experience lies not in labelling it as positive or negative, but in the lessons and transformation, it offers.

I do not believe in the pursuit of happiness. I believe in the pursuit of growth. For me, this is an authentic direction—one that resonates with my soul. Every experience holds the learning potential, and I recognise that this learning is essential to my existence.

So, if someone were to ask me today, "What is a value that is sustainable and ever-present in your journey?" I would say growth. When I think about it, I feel my body expand and settle into a space of truth. In contrast, when I think about freedom, I sense a completely different, more reactive energy—one that is tied to past wounds rather than to a place of inner peace.

This is how I have learned to distinguish between what is truly authentic within me and what is reactive, still carrying pain and resistance.

An Invitation for You

I invite you to explore this for yourself. When you reflect on your values, use your body as a compass. Notice what happens within you when you connect with the energy of a particular value.

What sensations arise in your body?
What thoughts emerge?
Are there any emotional reactions?

Ask yourself: Is this an authentic value, or is it a reactive one? Where does it come from?

Ultimately, I have realised that I do not need to cling to many values because life is an ongoing process, and values shift as we evolve. What matters most is the ability to stay congruent with oneself and to stand by the values that truly represent our existence and we truly stand for.

Personal Values: Are They Rooted in Truth or Trauma?